• It is a voracious eater ·
• It has disgusting habits ·
• It is sloppy and slimy ·
• It has a serious drinking problem ·

And it causes adults to squirm at the very sight of one What is it? You must have guessed. Slugs! They are the bane of gardeners everywhere. I don't know anyone who doesn't hate them. Even my live and let live philosophy weakens at the sight of a slug. Ugh! If it weren't for my steely nerve, I'd squirm too.

Gardeners are desperate to rid their yards of slugs. I could give you a list a mile long of techniques people have tried for dispatching this marauding mollusc. Some methods work, but only to a point. It seems the more slugs you slaughter, the more there are--no doubt a result of their squalid little sex lives. They bring a whole new meaning to monogamy--if you don't know, don't ask; it's all part of slug evolution. Evolution? That's a joke. I'd say slugs are at a bit of a standstill.

However, in yet another attempt to wipe out the slugs in my yard, I thought this year I'd try a different approach, an approach based on the fact slugs have no friends--other than their nasty sluggy buddies. What with the whole world hating them and trying to kill them (and failing miserably), I wondered if slugs might just react differently if they thought someone, or something, actually liked them, or cared for them.

I had this great idea of using reverse psychology to make them go away. Instead of attacking them every step (and stomp) of the way, I decided to go to great lengths to befriend them, to show them compassion--even love them (okay, I may have had to fake it a bit). My theory was that this would prove devastating to their little sluggy psyches. I intended to kill them with kindness.

I began by setting out some of their favourite food on the patio--marigolds and hosta leaves, and some beer of course, but in a shallow container so they couldn't fall in and drown. I also swept the patio first to get rid of any sharp bits that might snag their little sluggy tummies. It certainly attracted them; they showed up in droves.

They were so confused by these seemingly random acts of kindness, they didn't know whether they were coming or going, which isn't surprising. They're a bit like the new VW beetle that way--from a distance it's hard to tell which end is the front.

After a few days I had them exactly where I wanted them-eating out of my hand (ugh). This is when I began playing a few mind games. I thought, we'll just see who's well balanced around my yard. Now that I had their confidence I invited them to share a beer and chips with me--SALT AND VINEGAR--my favourites. I figured one chomp and they'd shrivel right up. They drank the beer of course, but they wouldn't go near the chips. I don't think they trusted me; they turned up their noses at them.

Noses? I'm not sure if slugs have noses. They do have eyes. I know that because they stick right out on the end when they get excited. One of them was obviously half-drunk and quite belligerent. He tried using his "eyes" to stare me down. Next thing you know we got into a staring contest. After 15 minutes I began to get nervous. I thought, if this sucker wins it'll be slug anarchy around here. I stomped on it. That kinda put the end to the killing with kindness experiment.

I'm afraid my slugs don't have a very high opinion of me now. I guess the feeling is mutual. I decided to go back to my old method for dealing with them. Instead of hand feeding, I'm hand picking. I try to dispatch them as humanely as possible -- even accidentally, that way I don't feel too guilty. I use my garden clippers to gently pick them up and . . . oops, oops, oops.